Fall Is My Goldilocks Season

Fall is my Goldilocks season. Where summer can be too hot and winter can be too cold, fall is “just right.” When used as an adjective, Goldilocks refers to the center value or condition; it “denotes or refers to the most desirable or advantageous part of a range of values or conditions.”

Of course, the term comes from the fairy tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears where Goldilocks enters the Bears’ home and declares Baby Bear’s chair, bowl of porridge, and bed to be ‘just right’. Goldilocks’ declaration states that Father and Mother Bear’s items, which are likely just right for them, are not right for her.

While there are no absolutes in preferences, we may believe that others should agree with our preferences. The room temperature we prefer is obviously the right temperature, and our roommate or spouse should acquiesce to our “right” choice. And yet, saying this out loud makes it clear how self-centered our thinking is. Placing our preferences ahead of others is harmful to our relationships, but how else will our needs be met?

When I counsel couples, I tell them that one of the most important verses for them to apply in their relationship is Philippians 2:3-4, “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.”

Making our needs, desires, and comfort the focus of our relationships, will at best make our relationships shallow, and at worst, fracture them. I encourage couples that it is only by looking at the needs of the other person that their own needs will be met.

Still, we may be fearful that if we do not guard our desires we will be taken advantage of believing that it’s unlikely another will meet our needs with equal fervor. How we can trust another to provide what we need? The answer is found in understanding the grace that saves.

The familiar verse on grace tells us that it is Christ’s work and not ours that saves us, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8–9) Understanding that grace is a gift offered to us by God gives us practical insight into our relationships.

In Philippians, Paul reveals Jesus’ attitude of humility that we are to imitate, “[Jesus] who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited. Instead he emptied himself by assuming the form of a servant, taking on the likeness of humanity.” (Philippians 2:6–7a)

In my relationships, I can choose to either cling to my “rights” or to empty myself of them for another’s sake. For Christ emptying himself cost him everything, “When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:7b-8) It is only by letting go of our perceived rights that we will find freedom to love and be loved.

It is trusting in what Christ did for us, not what we have done for him, that gives us freedom,  “Christ bought us with His blood and made us free from the Law. In that way, the Law could not punish us. Christ did this by carrying the load and by being punished instead of us.” (Galatians 3:13a) Knowing the unconditional love shown to me by Christ taking the penalty for my sins, enables me to love unconditionally which in turn allows me to put others needs and interests ahead of my own.

Therefore, if fall is not your “just right” season, I should be able to rejoice with you in your preferences and you with mine. When Goldilocks selfishly indulged in her preferences, she wreaked havoc on the Bear household. The same will be true for us if we do not learn to not “be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.”

From Goldilocks, we can learn that living to satisfy our desires alone will leave us discontent. However, by yielding ourselves and our desires to Christ we will be able to fully love and deny ourselves for the sake of another just as Christ did for us on the cross. In doing this, we will find something greater than our comfort, we will find that just right place in our relationships.